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What does a redneck say before he gets injured? “Watch this!”

J:  

Naughty Boy

A little boy sits on Santa's lap. Santa says "I bet I know what you want for Christmas," and with his finger he taps the boys nose with every letter he spells "T-O-Y-S".

The little boy thinks a second and says, "No, I have enough toys."

Santa replies once again tapping the boys nose with every letter, "C-A-N-D-Y."

Again the little boy thinks a second and says, "No, I have all kinds of candy."

"Well what would you like for Christmas?" Santa asks.

The little boy replies, tapping Santa on the nose, "P-U-S-S-Y, and don't tell me you don't have any because I can smell it on your finger!"

Better than The Old Days

A couple married forty years were revisiting the same places they went to on their honeymoon. Driving through the secluded countryside, they passed a ranch with a tall deer fence running along the road.

The woman said, "Sweetheart, let's do the same thing we did here forty years ago."

The guy stopped the car. His wife backed against the fence and they made love like never before.

Back in the car, the guy says, "Darling, you sure never moved like that forty years ago - or any time since that I can remember!"

The woman says, "Forty years ago that fence wasn't electrified!"

IF WOMEN RULED THE WORLD

Ice fishing

A blonde wanted to go ice fishing; so, after reading many books on the subject and gathering all of the necessary equipment, she made for the nearest frozen lake.
After positioning her comfy foot stool, she started to make a circular cut in the ice. Suddenly, as if from the sky, a voice boomed out, HEY, YOU, THERE ARE NO FISH THERE!
Startled, the blonde moved further down the ice, poured a cup of cappuccino from her Thermos, and began to cut another hole. Again, a voice boomed, THERE ARE NO FISH THERE!
The blonde, now worried, moved to the opposite end of the ice, set up her stool, and once again tried to cut the ice hole. Once more, the voice said, THERE ARE NO FISH THERE!
The blonde stopped, looked skyward, and said, Who are you, God? The voice replied, NO, I AM THE OWNER OF THIS ICE RINK!

On her way to Disneyland

A blonde was driving down the highway to Disneyland when she saw a sign that said "DISNEYLAND LEFT". After thinking for a minute, she said to herself "Oh, well !" and turned around an drove home.

On her way home the same blonde drove past another sign that said "CLEAN RESTROOMS 8 MILES". By the time she drove eight miles, she had cleaned 43 restrooms.

Proctological exam

A few days before his proctological exam, a one-eyed man accidentally swallowed his glass eye.

He was worried for a while, but there were no ill effects, so he forgot about it.

Once he was in the doctor's office, the man followed his instructions, undressed and bent over. The first thing the proctologist saw when he looked up the man's butt was that glass eye staring right back at him!

"You know," said the doctor, "you really have to learn to trust me."

J: How did Pinocchio find out he had a wooden weiner?

A.  His hand caught on fire!

J: Osama and his friend were riding a camel when they came upon a small village.  Osama got off the camel and lifted up the camels tail...A man standing nearby said "What are you doing?".  Osama replied, "About 2 miles back someone said look at those 2 assholes on that camel."

      J:  Why do men masturbate?                    

                           A.  It's sex with someone they love

Uh Oh

A salesman rang the doorbell and little Johnny answered. The salesman asked if his father was at home.

Johnny said, "Yes."
The salesman said, "Well, can I see him please?"
Johnny snickered and said, "No, he is in the shower."
Then the salesman asked if his mother was at home.
Johnny said, "Yes."
The salesman said, "Well can I see her?"
Johnny snickered again and said, "No, she's in the shower too."
The salesman then asked, "Do you think they will be out soon?"
Johnny laughed this time and said "No."
The salesman asked, "Why?"
"Well", Johnny said, "when my dad asked me for the Vaseline, I gave him some Super Glue."

J:  Why are married women heavier than single women?

                     A:  Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go  to bed. Married women come home, see what's in bed and go to the fridge.

J: George W. Bush and Dick Cheney go out to lunch at a nice restaurant.  Dick orders the heart healthy chef's salad.  When the waitress asks Georgie what he wants, he says "Honey could I have a quickie?"  The waitress throws down her pad and pen and screams "Mr. President! I do not believe this!  I regret ever voting for you!"  She runs into the kitchen and everyone starts laughing at the President.  A minute later Cheney leans over and whispers , "George, I think it's pronounced 'quiche."

J:  What do you call a Arab that has both a camel and a goat?       

A: Bisexual......ha   ha  ha 

                  J: What did the right leg say to the left leg?

A:  Watch out for the man in the middle, he's a real Dick!"

J:  

           A:

J: What do Osama and a boner have in common?                               

        A: They are both Dicks...ha  ha ha

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