Fish up the Butt

Only in America...
    It seems that this guy had been experimenting with an unusual method of seeking autoerotic gratification - namely, by inserting a live fish into his butt.
    What he hadn't counted on was the fish's scales acting, in effect, like one of those sets of driveway spikes that allow you to drive over them one way but puncture your tyres if you try to go the other way.
    In his pain and panic, he dialed 911. The EMT arrived, surveyed the situation, and said, "Son, you gotta learn to chew your food better."

 

Wooden Leg

Harry was delighted when he found a young woman who accepted his proposal of marriage as he was sensitive about his wooden leg and a bit afraid no one would have him. In fact, he couldn't bring himself to tell his fiancée about his leg when he slipped the ring on her finger, nor when she bought the dress, nor when they picked the time and place. All he kept saying was, "Darling, I've got a big surprise for you," at which she blushed and smiled bewitchingly. 

The wedding night came and went, and the young couple were at last alone in their hotel room. "Now don't forget, Harry, you promised me a big surprise," said the bride. 

Unable to say a word, Harry turned out the lights, unstrapped his wooden leg, slipped into bed, and placed his wife's hand on the stump. 

"Hmmmmm," she said softly, "that IS a surprise. But pass me the Vaseline and I'll see what I can do!"

Amuse a blonde

Q: How do you amuse a blonde for hours?

A: Write `Please turn over` on both sides of a piece of paper.
 

Like Mother's Breasts

Why are electric trains like a mother's breasts?

They were both designed for the kids, but it's the fathers who are always playing with them.

Anything for $100

A man was sitting at a bar enjoying an after-work cocktail, when an exceptionally gorgeous and sexy young woman entered. She was so  striking that the man could not take his eyes away from her. The young woman noticed his overly-attentive stare and walked directly toward him.

Before he could offer his apologies for being so rude, the young woman said to him, "I'll do anything, absolutely anything, that you want me to do, no matter how kinky, for $1.00 on one condition."

Flabbergasted, the man asked what the condition was.

The young woman replied, "You have to tell me what you want me to do in just three words."

The man considered her proposition for a moment, withdrew his wallet from his pocket and slowly counted out five $20 bills, which he pressed into the young woman's hand.

He looked deeply into her eyes and slowly, meaningfully said, "Paint my house."

Blonde Wife

A man comes home from work one night to catch his blonde wife 
sliding naked down the banister.

He blurts out, "What do you think you're doing!?"

"Just heating up dinner." she replies.

 

Moose hunters

Two hunters went moose hunting every winter without success. Finally, they came up with a foolproof plan. They got a very authentic female moose costume and learned the mating call of a female moose. 

The plan was to hide in the costume, lure the bull, then come out of the costume and shoot the bull. They set themselves up on the edge of a clearing, donned their costume and began to give the moose love call. 

Before long, their call was answered as a bull came crashing out of the forest and into the clearing. When the bull was close enough, the guy in front said, "Okay, lets get out and get him." 

After a moment that seemed like an eternity, the guy in the back shouted, "The zipper is stuck! What are we going to do!?" 

The guy in the front says, "Well, I'm going to start nibbling grass, but you'd better brace yourself."

Stop using the pill

Q: Why did the blonde stop using the pill?

A: Because it kept falling out.
 

Animals

A bear and a rabbit were in the forest taking a shit. The bear then looks over at the rabbit and says, "Do you ever have a problem with shit sticking to your fur?" 

The rabbit said,"No I don't." 

The bear then picked up the rabbit and wiped his ass!

Capitols

A gorgeous young blonde woman gets sick and tired of men trying to pick her up in bars because she's beautiful, blonde, and so men thought she was easy. She decides to show everyone. She goes home and decides to smarten herself up. She decides to learn the capitols of all the fifty states. Week after week she practices until she knows them all.

Finally, she is once again ready to go back to the bar. She sits down and after a few seconds a guy comes up to her and starts hitting on her. It is soon evident that he just wants to take her home.

The lovely blonde says emphatically, "But I'm not just beautiful! I'm smart too!!" "Yeah, yeah. I believe you," says the young stud. "Now let's go." Again she protests. "No, really I am smart. I know the capitols of all the states." The guy starts walking away, getting sick of her. She follows him. "Really, go ahead ask me a state. I'll give you its capitol and show you how smart I am." Just to get rid of her, the guy says, "Fine. What's the capitol of New Mexico?"

The breathtaking blonde looks at him proudly and says. "New Mexico has two capitols: `N` and `M`."
 

Green Side Up
 
One day a woman decided to have all the rooms in her house painted, so she called a painter to come over and give her an estimate on how much it would cost. The painter arrived, and the woman brought him into the dining room.
"What color would you like this room painted?" he asked.
"Green," the woman replied. The painter nodded and wrote something down on his notepad. Then he went over to the nearest open window and yelled out, "Green side up!"
The woman thought this was odd but continued on to the kitchen.
"What color would you like this room painted?" he asked.
"Yellow," the woman replied. Again, the man nodded, wrote something down on his notepad, and went over to the nearest open window.
"Green side up!" he yelled.
The woman was puzzled, but figured that he was a professional, so she shouldn't question him. The whole tour continued like this; the woman becoming more & more suspicious each room they went through that the painter leaned out the open window and yelled, "Green side up!"
Finally they were finished and the woman couldn't stand it any longer. She asked the painter,
" Why did you yell 'Green side up' out the window every time I told you what color I wanted the rooms painted? I don't want every room painted green!"
The painter laughed.
"I know. I wrote down the colors you wanted your rooms to be painted. But I had to keep yelling 'Green side up' out the windows because I have a crew of blondes across the street laying sod."
 

Identify Yourself

A blonde walks into a bank and stood at the window of the cashier's desk and smiled. "I'd like to cash this check, please," she said handing it over.

The clerk examined the check, then said: "Could you identify yourself, Miss?" For a moment the lovely girl's brow creased over. Then with a bright look she fumbled in her handbag, produced a mirror, glanced in it, and with a relief said, "Yes - it's me, all right!"
 

Kids Say The Darndest Things

A little girl heard her parents fighting. She heard them say the words bitch and asshole. She asked her dad what they meant and he said ladies and gentlemen. She heard her parents fighting again and heard the words dick and pussy. She asked her mom what they meant and her mom said hats and coats.

It was thanksgiving and her dad was upstairs shaving and he cut himself and said shit. The little girl asked what it meant and he said shaving. Her mom was downstairs carving the turkey and cut herself and said fuck. She asked what it meant and her mom said carving the turkey.

The doorbell rang and the little girl answered it. It was her grandparents and other relatives. She said, "Welcome bitches and assholes. Put your dicks and pussy’s in the closet, Daddy is upstairs shitting and mommy is in the kitchen screwing the turkey."

Bye Bye Pecker

On having business trip to the Orient, Joe decided to spend his last night having wild sex with a Chinese prostitute in Hong Kong.

Upon returning home three weeks later, he noticed a very weird, green, festering sore growing on his penis.

He went to his doctor, “Doctor Jones”, who, after hearing of his Orient trip and extracurricular activities, told him he had Hong Kong Dong and the only cure was complete amputation.

Joe was horrified, and decided to get a second opinion.

Joe contacted Doctor Smith and showed him the green growth.

Doctor Smith said, 'I am sorry but Doctor Jones is correct. We must amputate right away.'

Joe could not accept this. His friend suggested that he visit an oriental doctor.
They must deal with this all the time.

He went to Doctor Chu Wong.

Doctor Wong agreed with the diagnosis of Hong Kong Dong, but said, 'These Western doctors - so quick to Chop, Chop, Chop. Amputation not necessary'

Joe was relieved. Doctor Wong said, 'You wait three weeks and it fall off on its own.'

Stupid Bank Robbers

From an article which appeared in the Dublin Times about a bank robbery on March 2.
    "...Once inside the bank shortly after midnight, their efforts at disabling the security system got underway immediately. The robbers, who expected to find one or two large safes filled with cash and valuables, were surprised to see hundreds of smaller safes scattered throughout the bank.
    The robbers cracked the first safe's combination, and inside they found only a bowl of vanilla pudding. As recorded on the bank's audiotape system, one robber said, "At least we'll have a bit to eat."
    The robbers opened up a second safe, and it also contained nothing but vanilla pudding. The process continued until all the safes were opened.
    They found not one pound sterling, a diamond, or an ounce of gold. Instead, all the safes contained covered bowls of pudding. Disappointed, the robbers made a quiet exit, each leaving with nothing more than a queasy, uncomfortably full stomach."
    The newspaper's headline? "IRELAND’S LARGEST SPERM BANK ROBBED EARLY THIS MORNING"

If you know of any other Vulgar Jokes please post them On the

 Bitch Page for everyone to see!

Click on the link above

Back To Top